So I've spent most of my life with these nice comfy walls built up - good solid protection from the world at large. Seems as though along with the weight, I've lost some of those walls, and while that is, in theory, a good thing...it leaves me vulnerable to having to deal with feelings that I used to just suppress with food. I may appear tough, you may think nothing ever really gets to me, but inside I'm still vulnerable to all the old insecurities that lead to me being overweight, unhappy, and unhealthy for so many years.
While most of the time I can deal with them, occassionally someone will say the wrong thing the wrong way and I become that fat, unaccepted, unworthy girl that I was for most of my adult life. The problem is most of the time this happens with people that I've put my complete trust in, people who honestly have NO idea that while they were joking, they've managed to hit one of those buttons. I'm left feeling hurt, and angry, and they have no idea or understanding of why. Its not something I can explain in the moment - because that would result in me sounding like I'm some big baby who can't take a joke, so I just shut down, revert to being quiet and trying to fade back into the background until I get over it. Of course I never really get "over it", I just stuff it down where it festers until another button gets pushed and I get even more hurt.
Don't really know how to deal with this new piece of self discovery - just felt like I really needed to get it off my chest.
No comments:
Post a Comment