Insecurities, Goals and Progress

So its been a while since I updated here, mostly because things have been so crazy lately I haven't had time to really sit down for more than a few minutes. Things have been up and down the last few weeks.

I've been reflecting a lot lately about my history, how I ended up where I was before I started this process nearly two years ago. I have/had lots of insecurities that resulted from people and circumstances in my past that I allowed to have way more impact on my life than I should have. I'd love to be able to say that I'm a completely different person, that my increased physical strength has translated into emotional strength and that those things no longer affect my life, but there are times that a random comment, even when said in jest, will bring back all of those insecurities. Its a process, and the longer I work, the harder I work, the stronger I will get, both emotionally and physically.

There is discussion of a powerlifting meet at my gym sometime in the fall - and if this actually happens, it will likely be my first actual competition. Assuming I can get another 50lbs off between now and then so I can compete in a weight class that is more appropriate to my lifting level at the moment. Having something concrete to focus on is definitly keeping me more focused and I think heading in the right direction.

I've been super focused on my diet for the last few weeks, all fresh foods, getting in exactly the right amount of calories and in the right proportions. I'm hoping that the consistency will help get my weight moving again. I'm super frustrated at the moment, but I'm sticking with it...trusting the plan and believing what Brad keeps telling me "I can get you where you want, if you just do what I tell you to do."

Lifting has been amazing, I hit a major PR on my deadlift last weekend when I pulled 330 - that's a 50lb increase from my last max in January of this year. Bench is hanging in there - haven't remaxed yet, but I'm feeling pretty strong with that lift at the moment. Squat is the bane of my existence right now, partially because I lack flexibility in my right knee thanks to multiple knee surgeries years ago, but mostly I think because my form is out of whack - I'm struggling with it right now, but with work it will come together eventually.

Until then I will just keep pushing becuase I know that with the right support, when I set my mind to it there is nothing I can't accomplish