Challenge and Control

So I made a realization today...this may not come as a surprise to most of you reading this, but I have always known that I have some control issues. I don't like the feeling of being out of control, of not knowing what is coming and how, or whether I can handle it. Over the past year+ I thought I had worked through most of that with Brad in the gym...he's been throwing new stuff at me pretty regularly. Well, I obviously was wrong....

Last week he told me he's changing things up this week when I come off deload, said he was going to increase my volume. I had no idea what he was talking about, and didnt really realize how much that bothered me until I spent the majority of that night tossing and turning, while my little brain worked up all KINDS of ideas about what he might ask of me. Control issues much?

On top of that, he mentioned a week or so ago (really jokingly I think) that one of his new goals was to push me hard enough that I would literally puke. This particular statement has been in the back of my mind all week, especially not knowing what was coming in terms of the mysterious "volume increase". Here's where my control issue comes in...I honest to god don't think I have it in me to let him push me that hard. I seriously think that quitting would be an option before allowing myself to lose enough control that I could puke in a public place (we all know that tears would coincide here and seriously - puking and crying are about as weak in my mind as a girl could get in the gym). I happened to mention my concern to him tonight - which possibly due to some poor word choices on my part, ended with him assuming I was challenging him to prove me wrong...which he tried valiently to do tonight. He failed, although he did get damn close, and nearly made me pass out in the process, twice.

I know some of you are reading this wondering why in the hell I would even consider letting him attempt this craziness...and here's the thing - its not about whether or not I ever actually throw up during a work out - its about not allowing my fear, and my control issues to short change me and keep me from reaching my full potential - "I can't" is NOT a phrase I like in my vocabulary, but I caught myself using it multiple times tonight while he tried to kill me in a 30 minute session. I am not a quitter, I am stronger than that and I honestly believe that the only reason he's pushing this issue is that he KNOWS I'm not a quitter and that I'm strong enough to handle what he's throwing at me.

I have my last deload lifting day tomorrow - deadlift, followed by broad jumps and pistol squats. Thursday starts the new "higher volume" cycle that we will be working over the next two months...my goal for thursday - no use of the evil phrase "I can't" - I will push until I can either no longer hold the weights up or until I pass out...which ever comes first. Time to suck it up and give up a little more control - maybe easier said than done, but if I want to get better and stronger, then I have to give control to the only person I trust to get me there...Brad.